Bloggity

Extra Fancy Indeed

2009-08-29T17:45:00.001-07:00

I don't know why but I love this

2009-08-24T15:48:00.000-07:00

Pleasures

2009-08-19T14:15:00.000-07:00

Fashion magazines in French

jar of almond butter+coarse salt+ honey+spoon

Cutting with really sharp scissors

spelling scissors

saying scissors

Tapas

Scooping grains or coffee or beads out of a bulk bin

Thunderstorms

any veggie or fruit sliced paper thin

My shower reminds me of a bad relationship

2009-08-19T08:26:00.000-07:00

No matter how I try to control it, it runs hot and cold completely of its own accord and I ultimately stay in it longer than I should.

Bite Me

2009-08-17T11:20:00.001-07:00

I'm a dental over-achiever, I just love going to the dentist. I have nice straight teeth, of which I am somewhat vain. Yes, it took braces to get them that way, but they are beautiful now, so I will take the credit.

Dentists have always kissed my ass and gushed about my beautiful teeth, nice smile etc. This is probably part of the reason I like going. So imagine my shock when I arrived at a new dentist today and he took one look and said, "Your teeth are looking really grimy, how long since your last cleaning?". GRIMY? Doesn't he know I'm the teacher's pet of dentistry. Okay, I was stretching the "every six months" a bit, like 4 months, but no need to insult my flossing. And anyway, doesn't he make more money if I have crappy teeth? Just saying.

Funny thing is, now I wanna impress him even more. I can't stop thinking about it. Somehow, I'm craving his approval. He even called to follow up on my x-rays (long story, I was arguing with his nurse about how people in our society get too many xrays when they don't need them) and I was telling him jokes and just being an all around riot in a desperate attempt to get him to like me. Why? Why do I even care if the guy I see for two hours a year (when I'm being responsible) thinks I'm a good person? I don't try to charm the UPS guy or the grocery store clerk, I'm so not that person, but now I've stocked up on floss and I'm ready to get a five star report.

Feed me

2009-08-09T16:30:00.000-07:00

I love going the grocery store and I think I just figured out why. Food is complicated. Actually food is simple, I mean one's relationship with food is complicated. The grocery store has both comforting, familiar favorites and foreign oddities. It's visually and imaginatively stimulating and you can define yourself as a person based on your choices. Organic spinach? Why yes, I am a healthy, well-rounded person. Thank you for noticing.

Unlike restaurants, you are an observer, detached and anonymous and therefore free to roam. I never understood why it bothers me so much when employees in the grocery store ask if they can help me, but now I know: they are intruding on my belief that I'm the only one there, cruising the aisles at my leisure.

Grocery stores in other countries, or in other neighborhoods of LA, serve as somewhat of a thermometer. You immediately get a feel for what matters to that community, their temperament. Almost nothing pleases me more than deciphering packages of food items that are in a foreign language. Shrink wrapped and shiny is my packaging of choice, especially if the food inside is bumpy and the texture shows through to the outside wrapper like bubble wrap that is filled up with something mysterious. Usually the lettering on these packages is in either an Asian or Middle-Eastern language that you read from top to bottom or right to left. I like to assign each symbol an english word and see what I come up with: marinated eyeballs and gravy (kosher).

Skitzo but endearing?

2009-08-09T16:26:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I laugh when I'm not yet sure how I feel about something. It's probably really confusing to others when, a few minutes later, I decide I'm actually mad.

Bear with me people

2009-07-31T23:10:00.000-07:00

I'm a delinquent blogger, to be sure. But, to me, the whole point of it is that I share what I want, when I feel it. I can't force it or it will turn into a trite, mundane chore and, trust me, no one will want to read that.

That said, I don't think anything is more frustrating than a too short piece of dental floss.

Face my book

2009-07-15T11:23:00.001-07:00

Today I have Facebook on my mind. I really like being able to catch up on my friends' lives in the middle of the night; it sure beats having actual conversations, right? That probably sounds sarcastic but it's not, I hate talking on the phone. It's also kinda nice to update your relationship status once and avoid forty awkward conversations, rehashing.

But I think I may have reached my limit in the "keeping up with people's every whim" arena. Twitter is definitely out of the question for me because I cannot stand the constant updating. For me, it's probably 10% repeat offenders trying to outdo each other's witty, crazy status posts. If your life is so fascinating and full, you probably don't have time to write about it every 4 minutes, yes? Just something to think about. I have a feeling that the zaniness of one's life if probably indirectly proportional to the amount of time needed craft multiple irreverent and snarky status posts.

If I had any balls I would just copy and paste this into a status post of my own, but I think I'll keep all my friends today and just passively-aggressively hide their updates. The uber-posters will never see this 'cause they sure as hell don't have any spare time to read my blog.

We're not all hicks in the sticks

2009-07-09T23:51:00.000-07:00

Hi. I'm still alive. Put your mind at rest.

I'm spending the month at home. Every time I come back to Oregon I notice new things. I don't know how it took me so long to notice this, but in Oregon, the commercials are shockingly bad. Maybe I've just been in LA too long, where even local commercials can hire real actors because, well, they will whore themselves out and do anything (that's a compliment, you're damn lucky to get a commercial, even for MattressLand).

Here is the thing: we live in a small town, parking is free, the postman probably knows your name, but we are not ignorant of the language that is English. At least we know it when we hear it. If you own a bike shop, if you are a restauranteur, congrats. You found your calling and that's amazing and more than I can say for myself. HOWEVER, please do not think that you are an actor, or even a spokesperson because those things take both projection and diction. Mumbling about being open late is not a good commercial, and when Grandma looks like she lost her dentures in the sauce, it does not make me feel better that it's her secret recipe. And PS, you're not doing your business any favors by zooming in on a huge, greasy plate because that could be anything covered in sauce and cheese.

Also, at some point it became de rigueur to end every single commercial with all the employees standing outside and waving as the camera pans out. Because if I wasn't sold already, seeing the 6 pissed off waiters who had to come in on their day off to be extras in the commercial is really gonna clinch it.

Qué swine flu?

2009-06-26T21:07:00.000-07:00

Have you noticed that countries advertise? As in: please come spend your money in our country. Off the top of my head, I've seen commercials and magazine ads for Israel, Turkey and, most recently, Mexico. It's kind of a good idea; it puts images in people's heads other than say, swine flu and suicide bombers.

How hilarious would it be if the US did a commercial to air in other countries? "The United States: torture-free for 6 months, welcome back."

Oh MJ

2009-06-25T23:59:00.000-07:00

Well Michael Jackson died. It's sad but I don't really feel as strongly about it as some people seem to. The LA news has been showing sobbing fans all day. They have also been doing photo montages and clips ad nauseum.

All I can think about when I see this is: MJ and I HAVE THE SAME HAIRCUT. And it might look better on him.

A list

2009-06-14T09:26:00.000-07:00

Things I saw from my fire escape while having coffee this morning:

The mop I put out there to dry 3 months ago! (also when I last mopped my floor)

My downstairs neighbor taking his laundry to the laundromat across the street (suspicious since we have laundry in the building and that place is SKETCH!)

3 Korean boys in descending order by height walking to the Korean church all wearing striped shirts!

A man in a 3-piece suit complete with maroon bow tie and spats smoking a cigarette on his front lawn.

Oh, and this. I had no idea robots were such a big problem in my area.

Monet went blind...and documented it in paint.

2009-06-14T03:28:00.000-07:00

Art, in all forms, is fascinating to me because it's a glimpse inside someone else's reality. It makes me a better person. I know that's a big statement but viewing, hearing or reading art makes reminds me of people's potential. It makes me realize that other people experience life differently than I experience it, and simply remembering that makes me more tolerant, sympathetic and open. Even art I don't like, I respect, because, at its core, it's a person reveling something about himself. When I have a reaction, even a bad one, I learned something about the artist and about myself.

It is amazing how I take for granted the way in which I experience life. I consider myself incredibly aware, yet it rarely occurs to me that, in any given situation, there are thousands of interpretations besides mine. Each person has a filter made out of their upbringing, education and experiences. They use those things to process situations and determine their reactions. I'm sometimes shocked when I see someone make a choice so different from what I would have done. But I forget that they have a completely different set of values that they are working from. Or no set of values, for all I know.

I think my way is right, but so do they. I guess that's why you can't force someone to change. You have to give them the education and room to decide to change. It's so frustrating and sad to realize that some people never will. Yes, we all adhere to certain guidelines, that is why our society works, but it's really the way we relate to each other that says the most. I know I need work in the "relating to people" department sometimes. Probably everyone does. But I'm trying.

Jello...ladies....

2009-06-10T23:43:00.000-07:00

I'm having an argument with myself. It's about the word "lady" and whether or not I like it. In the "Hey, lady" sense, it's pretty rude and what I imagine cab drivers shout at women who get in their way.

But in the hipster-ville era that has now taken over the world (we're all on board, right? Locally grown food and fedoras? Check), I've noticed lots of young guys using it, as in, "My lady and I grabbed some sushi". To me this is a little '70's inspired, which appeals to me, I think, because I've been watching a lot of episodes of Charlie's Angeles on Hulu, and because I've completely embraced one-piece dressing in the form of the onesie and the more formal jumpsuit. Or maybe I just think it's 70's because the people who say it usually have a porn stash and are wearing some sort of hat.

It also just occurred to me that guys will find any excuse not to say the actual word "girlfriend" and thus avoid the RDT (relationship defining talk, natch) so lady is prob a pretty convenient substitute. This is a little shady but not my real issue. At least it refers to a woman, unlike some weird pet names (someone tried to call me their "boo" once. That did not go over well. I'm from Oregon and I have a Golden Retriever, you can't talk to me like that).

Actually, I think I just notice people saying it because it annoys me so much. I just decided: I hate it. Let's rein it in, ok?

Speaking of fashion...

2009-06-01T17:13:00.000-07:00

Did everyone who attended the MTV awards last night collectively decide not to wash their hair? Not that I watched that shit, but I do use Yahoo and you can't really avoid the ugliness. I mean, usually SOMEONE looks cute, if only by accident. Are the stylists having some sort of strike I didn't hear about?

Haha. Can you imagine stylists picketing the streets of LA? They wouldn't last long unless they wore some more comfortable shoes and that would sorta tarnish the reputation, no?

Ugg. Normally I wouldn't really pick on people individually 'cause I think it's mean (but funny), however, someone on a plane once told me I looked like Demi Moore's daughter and now I have violent tendencies whenever I see this girl who I DO NOT look like.

What are YOU wearing?

2009-06-01T16:22:00.001-07:00

In my head I'm a fashion trailblazer. On my body is another story. Right now I'm wearing jeans (at least they are artfully ripped), a grey tank and flip flops. ORIGINAL.

The problem is that I love putting together outfits but often cannot make myself leave the house while wearing them. I'm not scared (well, maybe), it's more that I just revert to comfort against my better and more fashionable judgement. Currently, I'm channeling late '90's, ie. Reality Bites, but have not worn the "white crochet dress over bodysuit" look yet. It sounds tacky but it's cute, I promise.

The other problem is that I can't leave anything alone. I'm not what you would call a minimalist. Sadly, my favorite thing to do is take crap I already have and embellish it. Or cut it. Or paint it glossy black. That is my solution to everything I don't like: spray paint. It's actually amazing how you can make things chic with a few coats. Right now I'm considering buying a pack of 100 pyramid studs (like the goth kids) to have on hand. They're only $3.30! For 100!

This tendency makes it hard to throw anything away, a challenge in an apartment whose most salient feature is my ability to touch all walls of the kitchen without moving my feet. I like to save the cool buttons off a cardigan, or the shell-shaped sequin patches from a vintage shirt (really..I put them on my gladiator sandals from last summer. A nice little update).

This may sound genius, it does to me, or maybe crazy, but I think at some point it's gonna have to stop cold turkey. It seems to be slowly escalating as I fight harder and harder to be zen and have fewer possessions. If I turn into one of the those people who jangles all the time, please, someone must tell me it's out of control.

Word geek

2009-05-28T00:57:00.000-07:00

What's your favorite word? Does anyone besides me think about these things? Mine is conundrum, both in how it sounds and its meaning. It's a riddle whose answer is a pun or a play on words. Or it's a problem whose answer is another question. You could say dilemma but it's not quite that. I think dilemma implies negativity whereas conundrum has some sass. It's mischievous, asking a question that doesn't have an answer. I respect that.

I also like that it's spelled just how it sounds. How often does that happen in English? Not super often or I would be a much better speller.

A close second: alliteration. I always alliterate all my answers.

Deep thoughts

2009-05-28T00:28:00.000-07:00

I'm obsessed with graffiti. I take pictures of it wherever I go. That's interesting. My urge to document what is essentially someone else's urge to document. To impact their surroundings, to make their mark. It's a rogue art, isn't it? Not everyone would call it art but what else can you call someone's graphic and emotional expression?

We all want to, in our way, mark our place in time, in space. People put their hands in sidewalk cement, they carve their initials in trees. I mean, what is blogging about if not making your presence known. It is a scary thought that this moment will never happen again. I often feel nostalgic for things I haven't even experienced, other decades, other eras. I get deja vu for the people I imagine did what I'm doing. Does that make sense? Are my past lives leaking out?

When I lived in France, every day I walked the same route to the bus to go to class. I would walk behind this church and then cut through the hotel de ville, which is basically the mayor's house and government offices. They just let you walk through the courtyard anytime you want.

The church was gothic and covered in gargoyles and turrets. And on the back corner, near my alley, someone had carved an owl into the side of the wall. It was about eye level, maybe 9 inches long, really easy to miss unless you were looking for it. The legend was that rubbing the owl brought you good luck; it's belly was shiny with wear. Twice a day, as I was giving it a rub, I could never shake the feeling of all the people who had stood with their feet where my feet were, who did exactly what I was doing. It's weird to think that today, right now, someone is still doing it and maybe thinking about me.

Are we just boring?

2009-05-21T11:12:00.000-07:00

I was just folding some laundry and listening to my ipod. The latter is necessary because the former is my ultimate hateful household chore. I don't mind doing the laundry, I just hate putting it away. Is there anything more pointless than matching up socks? (rhetorical...mother.)

So I was listening to: Queen (obsessed as always), vintage Aerosmith (Dream On. I die) and Fleetwood Mac.

Why is the music of my parent's childhood so much cooler than the music of mine? Is it just the distance that makes it seem special? I don't think so. Somehow I just can't imagine Dave Matthew's Band really being the music of a generation (Nirvana? A little early for me). I mean, the Counting Crows just don't inspire the same frenzy do they? I guess it's pretty hard to dance in Doc Martins anyway.

"Slip out the front door like a ghost into a fog where no one notices the contrast of white on white." Ya, that pretty much sums it up. Thanks, Adam Duritz.

*EDIT: No Doubt is awesome.

The original American f'in idol (even though he was British)

2009-05-20T21:59:00.000-07:00

You don't have to watch the whole thing (even though you totally should) but I really don't think it gets any better. I mean, check out the bandana and the Heineken on the piano!

Scruba scruba scruba

2009-05-18T16:07:00.000-07:00

Why is it that whenever cheerleaders in movies and TV shows have a car-wash, the people always get to stay in the car?

During every car wash I've ever been to or participated in, the people who's cars are being washed always awkwardly group off to the side of the parking lot and try to avoid the mud and runoff while keeping an eye on their paint job because, let's face it, you're letting a 15-year old touch your Audi.

Lounging, Cleopatra style

2009-05-18T15:05:00.000-07:00

I spent a bit of time yesterday at Burke Williams, which is a very posh spa in LA.

"But Jen, we're in a recession! Don't you have more important things to be worrying about than your toenails?"

Actually, no. But that's neither here nor there. I had a gift certificate and they had a pedicure chair so I put my butt in it.

I'm pretty girly. I'm not trying to say I'm pretty... I mean I'm fairly girly. I love clothes and makeup and basically the works but I don't really like people touching my feet, at least not when they are armed with a cheese-grater type file. It's not that I'm grossed out by feet (Lizz, you still reading?), more like I just think they take a lot of maintenance.

To be fair, they don't always require 40 minutes of dipping like candles in paraffin, but some basic upkeep is a good idea. When you take accidental 3 hour hikes in flip flops (as I am known to do), it becomes a desperate necessity.

The other thing about Burke Williams is that it's kind of a weird spa. It's pretty well-known and they certainly charge enough to make it exclusive, but it's all dark wood and pile carpeting and fireplaces. It was 95 yesterday and I spent the afternoon in mid-century England next to a roaring fire waiting for my toes to dry.

I also went in the sauna (also trying to dry those suckers. Apparently the price of the pedicure is proportional to the number of coats of polish they use) and, while it's very nice and filled with jars of cucumber water, iced towels and complimentary organic tampons, the spa locker room is also very strange.

This is not just BW. It's been my experience that whenever people are given the option of being naked, some embrace it and others shun it, there is really no in between. I'm fine with naked, but it's weird when there are a bunch of swim suited people and then one person just rains on that parade and comes in naked. Or one prudish person will come in with their suit on and give disapproving looks to all the happy nudists. I really felt like just taking off my top in a bridging-the-gap type gesture.

I also kinda felt like pretending I had tourette's and yelling for a while because all the hushed whispers and harp music was really starting to get on my nerves.

All I can say is....really?!?

2009-05-08T00:53:00.000-07:00

Although, I guess it's better than

Betcha didn't know I was smart

2009-05-07T23:28:00.000-07:00

I spend a pretty good portion of time at the library. It's just nice to be in a place where silence is not only encouraged, but required. I love how when you walk in, it's immediately quiet, cool and smells of paper.

I love how you can find anything, ANYTHING, especially things you didn't realize you wanted to know about. For example, today I read about the history of Griffith Park (did you know in 1913, 400 nudists held a Sunday picnic? Ya, neither did I), viewed a photo history of Andy Warhol's work and I caught up on all the back issues of Elle Decor. Unlimited info means unlimited procrastination, by the way.

The downtown library is the kind of place where you can easily pretend you're living in the 20's because it's all marble staircases and art deco triangles and Mexican ceiling murals. And my shoes make such a satisfying click click click in the domed foyer. Like I really mean business, which, of course, I definitely do not.

I also think it's fascinating to see what other people are doing/reading. I lurked behind this guy for 10 minutes today because I was so sucked into his microfiche project. Remember that? You can look at all the records of old newspapers, preserved on slides. And they still have a card catalogue and not in an ironic, re-purposed, Anthropology kind of way, but in an actual, each card corresponds with a piece of information, type way. Life without the internet must have sucked. Or, maybe it just took longer.

My college library had all that old reference stuff in this weird corner of the basement on those shelves that you can only get to when you push the button on the end and they mechanically separate until you can walk between them. Totally creepy, especially at midnight. I mean, that's basically a horror movie waiting to happen. Except they move reallllly slowly (I guess probably to avoid the horror movie crushing scenario) so it's a good buildup but it's more likely the killer would have to chase you out to the front steps before stabbing you. More dramatic that way.

This needs a big...ANYWAY.....As I was roaming around looking for a properly secluded study carrel (I like it best when I think I'm the only person there), I walked by a shabby old man, who, by smell, I can only assume was homeless. Guess what was up on his computer screen? I kid you not: singlesnet.com. Looks like some lucky lady is in for a disappointing evening.

Dear pop culture, enough already.

2009-05-05T17:02:00.001-07:00

I'm getting really tired of how people think that adding -ista to the end of any word makes it automatically witty and hip.

Parents, if you don't know, that would be fashion-ista, recession-ista and now, a new one I heard today, faux-cal-ista or some such nonsense. You know, kinda like a fake socialista.

When the local news anchors are doing it, it's not funny anymore. Please take note.

My blind date

2009-05-03T19:55:00.001-07:00

Somehow I agreed to go on a blind date. Turns out, my date was a cop.

Him: Sometimes it's hard for people to relax around me.

Me: Ya, I pretty much always feel like I'm one step away from committing a crime.

Him: Uhhhhh

Me: I mean, not armed robbery or anything...

Him: Okayyy

Me: If I were to punch that woman in the face, that's probably a crime, right? That could happen.

Dinosaur food

2009-04-26T16:29:00.001-07:00

This is what I'm having for dinner tonight. Doesn't it look pre-historic?

A love letter

2009-04-26T01:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Gelato,

When we met in Italy I knew we would be together forever. Those days in Venice, we had two or three trysts a day. You always dressed up in the prettiest fruits just to please me. Or drizzled chocolate all over your cone.

I admit I’ve cheated. I’ve eaten regular ice cream when you weren’t around, but it was nothing compared to you. And that time we tried to include cake in our party, what a disaster. I should have known that you were all I ever needed. Yes, you can be icy and cold to me but you always melt in the end.

We’ve spent so many summers together, I can’t imagine a walk in the park without you. I promise to never again lick you so hard that you fall to the ground. I couldn’t bear to see you smudged with dirt.

You constantly surprise me with your variety, I know I will never get enough of you. Please stay in my freezer forever.

Xo,
Jen

I'm starting to empathize with those crazy postal killers

2009-04-24T14:39:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I take my letters to the post office to mail because the world has officially gone to shit and my mail is not safe when I put it in my apt mailbox. So, I was at the post office, putting is a few letters through the slot, and I noticed one of them didn't have a stamp.

Okay, yes, this is completely my fault, I get it. I forgot to put on a stamp, my bad. However.....I went up to the counter and explained very politely. I could see the letter, right on the top. I just wanted her to hand it to me so I could put on a stamp. Apparently this was too much to ask. For God's sake, I wasn't trying to steal mail. Did she think I was gonna illegally stamp other people's letters?

Finally (after a 3 min convo... really) I convinced her to take my stamp and stick it on for me. Onto the letter ON TOP of the pile, the ONLY ONE without a stamp. But instead, she dumped the bin of 300 letters onto the floor, burying my letter in a mail mountain. Then she proceeds to ask me, "Which one is it?" Let's just say, it's lucky I don't carry a gun.

By the way, stamps are gonna be .44?? I feel old because not only do I remember when they were .29, but I actually found myself saying, "When I was little, stamps were only .29" More proof? This is also my mom's favorite topic; she loves likes to talk about how stamps used to be .04.

Side note-- When I moved, I had my mail forwarded. I also changed my address info with all my "make my life possible" people. This includes banking, insurance and Lucky magazine. Two of these sent a letter to my OLD address saying, "Your address has been successfully updated in our system." Oh really? Is that why you're sending it to a place where I NO LONGER LIVE??

For once, I'm being serious

2009-04-22T15:04:00.001-07:00

Yes, today is Earth day so everyone is in an environmental tizzy, which, don't get me wrong, I love. It's trendy to be "green" and I don't really care why people do it as long as they do.

But what about tomorrow? When the google home page is not decorated with a globe to remind us? What do we do the other 364? It simply astounds me how LITTLE people think about how their actions affect everyone, including themselves. No one seems to realize that recycling is actually a completely selfish endeavor; we must literally save our own lives. The earth is a closed system, the ultimate recycling system. EVERYTHING is connected on this planet. Are we so short-sighted that we cannot plan for the future of our health? We save for retirement and buy houses on a mortgage. Why don't people realize that those things are worthless without our well-being?

It's so easy. When I was a kid we had to store our own recycling and then drive it to the recycling center where we would separate our own glass, plastic and paper into different bins. Now you simply put it all together NEXT TO the trash. I canNOT comprehend not doing it.

Paper makes up the largest percentage of "trash" that fills our landfills. PAPER. I...have...no...words. This makes me absolutely furious.

Our consumption is out of control. We take and take and use and use. We would never spend money or time or any of our other precious commodities so recklessly. We don't THINK. I was raised in a very conscientious home and it's second nature to me to open the windows at night and close them in the morning to trap the cool air. To close the doors of rooms so as not to heat them unnecessarily. To TURN OFF the lights. To compost. To re-use. It floors me when I see people not doing these things. It's COMMON sense.

It's not just about buying bamboo clothing or only organics but it's about being AWARE of our health and responsible for our own lives. Processed food and even meat and dairy not only take a toll on our health but they use energy and resources to produce and ship as well as create trash. There is no reason we can't work to make our diets sustainable.

I get pretty worked up when I see someone who is so blatantly ignorant of these problems or just doesn't seem to care, but I've realized that I can ultimately only be responsible for myself. But so can you. So can everyone. Just be aware and responsible for yourself and your life. Please.

Like the real California, she's beautiful but a little confused

2009-04-20T16:35:00.000-07:00

"I THINK that I believe"?!? As ridiculous and ignorant as she sounds, this girl represents California perfectly. She can't get her shit together and form an opinion, much less a coherent sentence. Ohh...and I THINK that I believe that calling it "opposite marriage" is offensive.

Self-deprecating sounds dirty

2009-04-15T22:30:00.000-07:00

I think self-deprecating humor is the worst kind because it tries to make a fool of me (the audience). Think about it, if you really were self- deprecating, you would not be using it to make jokes so we can all admire how funny you are.

Tangent thought: If you haven’t seen Demitri Martin please YouTube him immediately. He can do no wrong in my eyes so although he is very self-deprecating, he’s so sincere about it that you want to give him a hug but can’t because you are about to pee yourself.

Another tangent thought: I just read some of my previous posts and realized that apparently I’m a hypocrite because I make fun of myself all the time. But it’s just so hard not to when I give myself such juicy material (oops…there I go again).

I'm a dental superstar

2009-04-14T22:55:00.000-07:00

Is it gross that I've been using the same piece of floss for the last 2 nights because I can't make myself go to the store for only one thing? But I also can't stop flossing; re-used floss must be better than nothing.

So...now that's on the internet.

I want to be her

2009-04-09T22:56:00.000-07:00

I think this may be an ad for the towel but seriously, how do you match your bikini exactly to your textured headwear? The cap reminds me of the bathing caps my Grandma wears when she swims her laps, except she has daisies on hers. 3D, plastic daisies with yellow rubber centers and a chin strap. And you wonder where I get my fashion chutzpah.

I love a holiday that revolves around chocolate...oh and Jesus

2009-04-07T14:11:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I went to a brunch/Easter egg hunt at my friend Henree’s amazingly cool little bungalow in the Hollywood hills. I can’t remember the last time I searched for eggs for real. As in, not watching a child do it but actually trying, in it to win it competition.

There is a story in my fam about how when I was 3 or so, my parents organized a egg hunt for me in our house but decided to keep it low key (lazy) and only dye two or three eggs. While I was searching, my mom would just take one out of my basket and hide it again. I guess I didn’t notice that I ended up with three eggs after an hour of hunting.

Anyway, as I was searching, I realized I was totally over-thinking the whole game. I was trying to get in the mind of the hider to score myself an advantage and I was strategizing about the layout of my team members (I thought people with matching colored bags were on the same team. Turns out there were no teams…that was all in my head, too).

Plus, I was wearing jeans that were much too tight to be really competitive. Not to preach, but I’m trying to use this as a chill out/ “enjoy the hunt not how many eggs you get” type lesson. . I really think my 3 year-old-self would have done better. Then again, my 3 year-old-self probably wasn’t drunk on mimosas either.

What is....loser for $200

2009-04-06T19:35:00.000-07:00

My whole family is obsessed with Jeopardy. So much so that they are considering coming to LA so we can attend a taping. I love it too, except Alex Trebek can get pretty snobby from time to time. I don’t know if it’s a Canadian thing or he just thinks he has absorbed all the knowledge from all his shows, but he tends to over-pronounce about every third word, “No Jane, that ISsss the MmmmarQuisssss Diamond”.

I just love it when during the “interview” section, he tries to pretend like he knows all about whatever “interesting” part of that person’s life they rehearsed before the show. Those things are never as interesting as the people think they are. If I ever went on I would make up something really great to say, just really lie my ass off. What could they really do? The thing is, I would hard-core lose every game because I NEVER remember to say, “what is ____” . What a stupid rule.

I was watching once, alone in my apartment. I had it on in the background while I was getting ready to go to dinner or something, and I was super impressed with myself. I was sooo on fire, getting nearly every question right. Then I looked at the TV and realized the contestants were all 16; it was the teen tournament. Awesome.

Noooo no no no no

2009-04-03T16:25:00.000-07:00

Today I have a fashion rant. If you have been following the shows (you’re all over it, right?) then you know the new, spring 2009 pant shape is the baggy crotch/skinny leg combo of harem pants. I think I’ve seen these before only MC Hammer was wearing them instead of Gisele.

Now, I have my fashion moments, I like to take a risk once in a while. I love to rock skinny jeans and I was even on board with the boyfriend jean. But somehow we’ve discovered a hybrid of the least flattering aspects of each, combined to become exponentially hideous.

And by the way, these cost $229, which, to clarify, is the amount you must pay to own them, not what you make off your friends who bet you wouldn’t wear them in public.

Actually, they do seem perfect for when you’re really bloated but want to show off your calves. You know, all those times.

They are also perhaps, the only fashion trend shared by the ladies of Madison Ave and the men of Compton. We’re really building some bridges here. As long as we don’t move on to Marc Jacobs grills. Those things scare the harem pants off me.

Idolize me

2009-03-31T22:27:00.001-07:00

I just watched American Idol, something I have not done since season 1 (aka Kelly Clarkson vs. Sideshow Bob) which, I think happened sometime around when I graduated from High School. Actually, I have no idea when it was, but it seems like they are on season 300, so that feels right.

Since I missed seasons 2-299, I realize I'm not the first person to say this, however, PAULA ABDUL IS BATSHIT CRAZY. Not only is she constantly twitching, but the woman cannot form a complete sentence. The only way to see people more drugged on TV would've been to switch over and watch Cops. And she would still would have given the cracked-out call girls a run for their tube tops. Was she always this crazy and just covered it up by singing awesome songs like "Cold-Hearted Snake"? Did the Laker girls put up with this crap?

Not much else has really changed, Randy is still inappropriately calling everyone "dawg" which was definitely weird when he started doing it and certainly has not gotten any cooler. Simon is still the mean one, whom I love, and they have some new chick who's like a less-crazy, hispanic, Paula (Do I smell replacement? I have a feeling they kinda know Paula is basically a ticking bomb...it's only a matter of time until we're in straight-jacket territory).

Also, somehow the show has morphed into an hour and a half. And trust me, it's not because they added more contestants, it's that Ryan somehow wrangled himself an extra 30 minutes to talk. He always reminds me a chipmunk. You know, kinda hyper-active and overly tan. My favorite moment is when they do the pull-back, crane shot of him in the midst of the audience and he is surrounded by 13 year old girls, all of whom are taller than he is.

Drunkity drunk tank

2009-03-30T17:43:00.000-07:00

Once, in college, I was sitting in the living room of my house at 3am when my friends and I heard a huge crash. We ran outside and there was a car grounded up in the middle of the roundabout (you know, those traffic circle thingys they love in Europe but we don’t really have here, even though they are a genius idea. Actually, they love them in Bend, Oregon for some reason. Those hippie city planners are really something).

These two guys stumbled out of the car (honestly, they might as well have soaked their clothing in tequila) and the passenger guy says to the driver, “Duuuude, I TOLD you that was there.”

Screwed by the legal system just got a whole new meaning.

2009-03-27T13:21:00.000-07:00

If there is one thing that this blog is sorely lacking so far, it’s a frank and honest discussion of conjugal visits. Now, I will admit that before today I was not even sure how to spell the word conjugal and the concept rarely crossed my mind besides once, while watching Oz or something, I thought that the worst job in the world must be the person who has to change the sheets in the gross, dingy conjugal visit trailer. Eww… I just wretched a little.

So, when my awesome (and apparently not as innocent as I thought) friend Bel brought http://www.conjugalharmony.com to my attention, I was….how can I not oversell this…. deliriously happy.

Let me just see if I understand: Men sign up in order to marry a prisoner (life sentences only…can’t have the risk they will actually have to deal with a real wife) so they can visit them conjugally. They are enticed by the women with lines like, “Hot dog night is pretty much all I have to look forward to anymore…”.

But ladies, evidentially Prop 8 applies to all levels of society. It’s totally cool to screw prisoners, but no same-sex marriages please.

This has to be a joke, right? I tried to sign up (research purposes only) and nothing happened. But that brings up the whole issue of where did they get these women to model as conjugal visit potentials? That’s one casting call I would’ve killed to have seen.

A List

2009-03-26T19:30:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, I took a hike. I used to hate hiking until I figured out it's just walking somewhere interesting.

On my hike I:

Saw 3 smart cars next to each other

Saw 2 rattlesnakes

Inhaled 1 bug

Met 1 woman from Switzerland

I'd call it a successful 2 hours.

Parlez vous nerd?

2009-03-25T20:51:00.001-07:00

I kinda speak French. Let’s just put it this way: I used to speak French and I would like to speak French again. Any ideas?

I tried doing those BBC language labs. They were actually pretty good, a little simplistic of course, but nice to have. Plus, I was so charmed by the tweed-loving, horse-toothed host (some stereotypes are true…don’t start) and how seriously he took ordering a rental car for un ou deux weeks s’il vous plait Madame.

The problem is, those suckers move fast. My lessons started to pile up in my inbox and just sit there, little bolded lines waiting, mocking me when all my DailyCandys were long since opened. And since I don’t operate well on guilt, I had to rebel (apparently against British Broadcasting in general) and drop out. BBC dropout, the Queen would not be proud.

In case you thought you were special

2009-03-23T00:11:00.000-07:00

My friend Alicia Viani got a FULBRIGHT scholarship. Wow, I mean, they only give those out to people to are ummmmm……bright. She will be in Finland studying teen pregnancy (or I guess lack thereof, Finland is apparently a very well-run country. We could learn a lot).

If you think she sounds like a totally awesome person you don’t even know the half of it, my friend. I’ve known this chick since I was 7 and we had matching pogo sticks and all I can say is that Finland is in for a treat.

In other news: I checked my email today.

Hottie McNewsman

2009-03-22T23:40:00.001-07:00

I think Brian Williams is totally hot. Yep, the guy who does the NBC news. He’s a fox. Plus he’s smart and funny and, one would hope, always up on current events.

I break for children and animals

2009-03-21T14:36:00.000-07:00

It has been pointed out to me that I may be coming across a little negatively (read: bitchy) in this blog so far. I believe the word snarky was thrown around a bit. Well, I make no apologies, my friends (and you must be my friends because I seriously doubt anyone who doesn’t already know me is gonna care what my random musings are on a day to day basis. I mean, you guys know, you already barely put up with it as it is).

Aaaaanyway, much like a hooker with a heart of gold, I can look somewhat mild-mannered (goody two shoes?) which, in this analogy would make my heart black or coal or whatever is the opposite of gold. I’m not really arguing with that, I’m just saying it’s only SOME of the time, and those times I choose to write down my thoughts here. So there.

This computer is prettier than I am

2009-03-20T09:56:00.000-07:00

This blog is sponsored in part, by my parents, who bought me this hot little piece of machinery I like to call "Miss Macbook". So thanks Mom and Dad, I wouldn't be alive without you (haha..get it?).

Basically blow me

2009-03-20T01:52:00.000-07:00

I once had this biology teacher in high school who used "basically" like some people use umm or like. Or how Paris Hilton used to say hot every other f#$ing minute. It was just a filler while he was thinking of what to say next:

"So basically, we see the basically mitocondria basically separate and divide into basically two entities..." you get the idea.

In addition to being basically the most annoying trait EVER, it was also so distracting that I now know shit about biology as you can probably tell because I'm pretty sure that "biology" sentence I just made up is totally wrong and offends nature in some way.

My friend Austin and I used to sit in the back and count the number of times he said it over the hour, then we would keep a tally. We would divide by the number of minutes we spent in class to get the basically/minute ratio for, let's say, the third week in March. We knew, for example, that on May 10th, he said it once every 5.3 seconds. We even made projections as to the total number of basicallys we would hear during the school year.

I didn't learn any bio but I sure as hell improved my math skills. Thanks Mr. Wallace.

A real conversation...no, really.

2009-03-20T01:45:00.000-07:00

Guy: You’re cute, I bet you’re great in bed.

Me: Well, I guess you’ll never find out.

Guy: That’s okay. You’d probably never be able to live up to the dreams I’m gonna have tonight. (Rude hand gesture…we’ll leave that one to your imagination.)

Me: Why don’t you put that hand where it belongs: over your filthy mouth, you sleezebag.

Okay, this last line is actually what I thought of later to say. I was planning on taking the high road but as I was calmly walking away, he actually tried to SWAT MY ASS.

Has this behavior really worked out in the past? Are the ladies just swarming after those classy lines? Maybe he figures it just takes one lucky lady and he’ll just keeeep fishing until he finds the chick with the lowest self-esteem in the bar. One day he'll say, " I bet you're great in bed" and she'll reply, "I sure am, big boy." and then they'll go spread some STDs around.

Please, if you think paying 7 bucks for my pinot lets you touch my ass, or for that matter, my arm, maybe you should try that new dating site: loserswhocantgetlaid.com I hear it’s gonna be huge.

I'm (not) a genius

2009-03-18T00:37:00.002-07:00

“The best part of art is when you come across an idea that you previously thought was unique to you. And yet it’s there, communicated by a complete stranger.”

Amazing, right? This is a quote from a movie I saw (British, I think), which I obviously liked enough to write down and keep. I’m going to change it up a little:

"The best part of art is when you come across an idea that you think is your own until after a brief shinning moment of thinking you’re a genius, you realize you copied it and are actually just a plagiarizing phony."

Crapola

2009-03-12T14:06:00.000-07:00

It would be a lot easier to navigate through my computer’s files if I did not insist on naming every word document some version of the word crap (crapness, crap 3, boring crap). It really negates the whole point of organizing it into folders at all.

Hello Internet

2009-03-11T20:37:00.000-07:00

It’s true!!!! I’ve finally jumped on the blog bandwagon. Some might say I’m a bit late, but I think I’m right on schedule. You see, I usually like to embrace a trend riiiight around the time everyone else is bored enough to poke their own eyes out. Gimme about 6 years and I’ll be all over Twitter.

I’ve been, shall-we-say hesitant, because to be perfectly honest, I find blogs a little self-indulgent. I’ve never really been one for journaling in any medium. I WANT to be the kind of person who can get her thoughts down in some clear, focused manner but with me, that sentiment usually lasts until around dinnertime.

I have exactly one journal entry from my first attempt in 7th grade. Some guy I had a crush on (I think I didn’t mention his name for security reasons…pretty smart seeing as it’s in a spiral notebook) picked me first for his dodgeball team and apparently I peaked at that moment because nothing more ever made it onto the page. Ever.

I tried again when I was living abroad because six separate people gave me travel journals so I could document all the life-changing experiences I was going to have. The first entry in THAT journal is a completely mundane list of my daily activities, except I was doing all of those boring things in FRANCE so it must have seemed terribly exciting at the time. If I remember correctly, and I think I do because the page is smudged with chocolate, I wrote it in a café, feeling like Hemmingway. It's also possible I was wearing a beret. How continental.

Anyway, I’m around. Talk to you later.